I Use the Computer to Porn

Not that time with the spouse isn’t valuable. But when a telemarketer calls, I will 100% take that call. This is their job. They need to talk to someone. I am that someone.

Yesterday, I spent 41 minutes answering a telephone poll on sports and leisure preferences. I’m sure Louise told me what data company she works for. I just couldn’t hear her for the buzzing in my hears. I love taking these calls in general. Don’t ask me why, but as a sick (?) plus, I was even more excited that the operator sounded like a 70 year-old woman from the middle states.

Sports and Leisure being my weakest category in Trivial Pursuit, I knew I’d have to work hard to make sure this would be a worthwhile conversation.

OPERATOR: Can you tell me which tv sports network you watch the most?
ME: Yes I can.
OPERATOR: [waits a beat]….Okay, which is it?
OPERATOR: Ma’am, that isn’t a yes or no question. Which television sports network do you watch the most?
OPERATOR: I’m sorry, perhaps you can think of a network…
ME: YES. I watch YES.
OPERATOR: Ma’am, I don’t understand…
ME: YES is the name of the Yankees own sports channel. Yankees Entertainment and Sports. YES.
OPERATOR: Oh, I see now….

Alright, I already assumed she lived in a far from the New York City metro area, so it might have been mean to assume she knew or care about the Yankees’ network. Or the Yankees, for that matter. In any case, there were about 20 minutes of sports related questions. I appreciate sports as much as the next person who doesn’t really watch sports does, but I just wanted to make sure Louise was earning her money tonight. Suffice it to say, my husband spent most of this time in the corner, shaking his head, wondering where he went wrong.

OPERATOR: Would you tell me the name of your favorite athlete, active or inactive?
ME: Jim Thorpe
OPERATOR: That’s not on my list. I’ll have to type that in. How do you spell the last name?
ME: T-h-o-r-p-e. Thorpe. He’s got a town in Pennsylvania named after him. I bet Lebron James doesn’t have THAT.
OPERATOR: I’m sure Jim enjoys that.
ME: Ummm, yeah.

Luckily, we spent at least 12 minutes focused on leisure activities. Of which I have many.

OPERATOR: If you subscribe to magazines, please tell me which ones you subscribe to.
ME: Okay. There’s Food & Wine. Real Simple. Cooking Light. Vegetarian Times
OPERATOR: What now?
ME: Vegetarian Times
OPERATOR: So, they make that do they? Okay. Are there more?
ME: Yes. New York. And Hustler.
OPERATOR: I’m sorry, what was that now?
ME: Hustler. Hustle-er.

Overall, I had a good time. I think Louise felt that she actually earned her money today. Whatever untruths I may have uttered, or ridiculous situations I may have described (she couldn’t, with certainty, stipulate whether midget bowling was an equal opportunity sport, or cruel and inhuman, and likely illegal), I exhibited only the most sportswoman-like conduct.

But, if anyone asks, the following is  true:

My name is Amanda. Not true.

If you ask me what my ethnicity is, my choice from the list will, once again, be “Something Else.”In more ways than one, I am definitely something else.

My favorite sport is professional wrestling. Favorite is a strong word. But I love my nephew, who, at 8, watches shows that are probably too mature for him. But he loves Nikki Bella, so I have a higher level of enjoyment than my friends would expect.

My favorite NBA team is the Minnesota Timberwolves. Actually, I almost said the Timberlakes, so I wouldn’t count on me being a real fan.

My favorite things about American football are tight pants and violence. True.

I use the internet primarily for pornography. So true.


The following may be offensive to some. Mostly to telemarketers.

Featured image courtesy of thequint.com